October 24, 2014

Jokes

JokesThe Young Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Jokes

JokesYou should always give 100% at work…
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What’s a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Jokes

JokesQ. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Humor

Random Quote

“I planted a rock garden this Spring. Three of them died last week.”

Humor

Hot Air Balloon Joke

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in Management”.

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Humor

Workers

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.

“Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.

“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”

“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”

“Jealousy,” answered Peter. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”

Humor

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

Humor

Hi-Tech Supermarket

My new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more!

Spring Break Humor

Spring break; that’s when kids work on their tans and teachers work on their sanity.

Spring break; that’s when kids go wild someplace other than school.

Spring break is when the only thing kids study is each other.

The college kids call it spring “break.” Their parents, however, call it spring “broke.”

Spring break; that’s when students take time off from football games, basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out in bars, and go to Angel Fire and relax.

Spring break is that annual ritual when college kids get drunk and try to ski uphill.

Spring break is when the nation’s college kids demonstrate to the world how much they’ve learned.

Spring break is when the nation’s breweries go all out to teach another generation how to throw up responsibly.

February Joke

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Colorado, just yards away from the New Mexico border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the two states for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in New Mexico. They’ve decided that our land is really part of New Mexico. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I can stand another Colorado winter!”