November 17, 2017

February Joke

We purchased an old home in Northern New Mexico from two elderly sisters. Winter was upon us and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One February night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Arizona for the winter.”

February Joke

A Thoughtful Valentine’s Day Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

“Yes,” came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.”

“That was very kind of you,” Jim added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”

Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”

February Jokes

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Winter Jokes

Bob and his wife live in a big city. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park………..” then the electric power goes out.

Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.” Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Snow Jokes

Blizzard: 1. A storm that winterrupts traffic.

Winter: The age of shivery and shovelry.

Headline: Snow Storms May Be Precursor of Winter

Think about this: If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

It was so cold… Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

It was so cold… the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

There’s one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbors.

How is snow white? Pretty good, according to the seven dwarfs.

A sure fire plan for snow removal: spring.

Snow Joke

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?”

The Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 8

6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14

Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December23
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24

6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25

Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don’t shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Christmas Jokes

What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake!

What do you call an old snowman?
Water!

What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What goes: now you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t?
A snowman on a zebra crossing!

What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
Santa walking backwards!

Snow Jokes

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What’s an ig?
An eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Snow Jokes

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What’s an ig?
An eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!